AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM PRESIDENT REJECT BENDER:
“My fellow Americans … I’ve created the office of the president reject to better serve you during these trying times of transition.”
Our country can only have two presidents at a time … one asleep at the switch and one distancing himself from home state corruption.
“Understand that I am fully aware that many of you did not vote for me.”
How could you? I was only on the ballot in Guam, where incidentally I did much better than expected.
“My purpose for this news conference is to offer a common sense plan for saving the domestic auto industry.
We’ve all heard the bad news … General Motors is in trouble. The company’s executives say a sizable government loan is needed to avert sure bankruptcy.
I’m stepping in because warring factions in Congress continue to drag their feet, insisting on rules aimed at governing how the money can be spent.”
Although, I don’t recall the same level of care and concern coming from the legislative branch as it doled out much larger sums to the financial giants.
“My friends … I’m not here to point fingers, but rather to offer solutions. Many of you are struggling to pay bills this holiday season.”
Chances are you’ve decided to forego taking your corporate jet to Washington to beg for money.
“You’ve made tough decisions. You’ve had to cut back.”
You’re average everyday suckers … what choice do you have?
“Standing tall as your president-reject, I will deny any attempts to loan your hard-earned dollars to Detroit. I … excuse me …”
Governor Blagojevich taps me on the shoulder … expresses concerns about giving any money to Kwame Kilpatrick.
Governor … I believe you’re mistaken … he’s no longer in charge. Maybe you could check with Hillary Clinton on residency requirements, Mr. Kilpatrick would make an excellent junior senator from Illinois. You still have time. He may have the cash. If not, there’s always Bill Jefferson in Louisiana … he’s got 90-grand in his freezer.
“My fellow Americans … recently I initiated a series of conservations with the top brass at GM, sharing my recommendation that they seek a loan from Citi.”
After all, Citi is theoretically rolling in Federal Reserve greenbacks. We’ve already agreed to shoulder 250-billion dollars worth of their losses, as long as they’re entirely responsible for the first 29-billion. Seems fair.
“My friends … your government acted quickly for obvious reasons.”
The future of the Rose Bowl’s corporate sponsorship depended on it. And, so did the continued viability of the deal for the naming rights of the New York Mets brand new stadium.
And, is there any better possible advertising for a company which has made a mess of itself than spending 400-million dollars for naming rights on the stadium of a bloated team, which goes down in Wall Street-like flames nearly every September?
“Yes, we can! Yes, there is!
I dispatched my special envoy George Foreman several days ago to participate in a series of high-level discussions between GM and Citi. I’ve learned within the last hour that the two sides have a reached a tentative agreement. While the full details will be announced later, Citi will lend GM whatever it needs in exchange for the naming rights on all of its 2009 models.”
Look for the 2009 Chevy Cobalt to be renamed the Chevy Citi. The 2009 Chevy Impala will become the Chevy Citi. Truck lovers … get ready for the 2009 Chevy Citi, which used to be the Silverado. And, let’s not forget gas-guzzling SUVs. Gas prices are down, don’t you know. Meet the 2009 Chevy Citi or what had been the Chevy Tahoe.
“I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my special envoy for his extremely productive efforts. We remain in talks with both sides aimed at studying any possible negative tongue-twisting effects brought on by the alliterative aspect of the new name. Again … thank you, George.”
Chevy Crappy might be more politically correct.
“My friends … many of you have expressed concerns about Congress starting to design cars. I, too share your concerns.”
That’s why Governor Blagojevich, George Foreman, and I joined with the brass at GM and Citi to create the most attractive models for immediate roll out.
“Careful consideration has gone into the overall look and attractiveness of the new Chevy Citi line. Each car will be white, with the blue and red Citi logo on the hood, roof, trunk, and doors.”
The cars will also mail you 458 credit offers a week and another 784 will materialize from their exhaust.
“My fellow Americans … this is our gift to you. Please have a safe holiday season, while considering a Chevy Citi for that special someone. And, of course … God Bless America.”
THIS CONCLUDES THE PRESIDENT REJECT’S REMARKS.
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Tags: automakers, bailout, Citi, economy, GM, HUMOR, news conference, politics
